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“LUMINESHADEPHOBIA” ::: http://TadCreations.com ::: Copyright © Jonathan Tad Ketchen (JTK.CA)

Lumineshadephobia is a word I invented to describe my phobia of lighting fixtures or lighting covers falling on my head. Some of the lighting fixtures in my apartment unit have their covers in storage somewhere because, once I changed the bulbs, I refused to put the covers back on. The reason is that Dad and I (and sometimes Mom) cleaned houses together for a living from 1996 to 1998, and I had a couple of scary encounters. We were cleaning a house one day, and I heard a big thud, so I went upstairs, and on the landing of the top of the stairs lay the huge, heavy light cover from the ceiling light. I realized that if I had been under it at the time, it falling could have knocked me out or killed me — I say “killed” because the light cover had a pointy, decorative spike at the base. If I had been dead-centre, under the light, I’d be dead, with a very stylish half-globe light cover drilled into the top of my skull.

The second lighting incident was at another house, in which a chandelier was hanging above the staircase, and while we were cleaning, I heard a crash! I went to find half of the chandelier lying in pieces in the middle of the staircase. There would have been even more chance of me being under it at the time of this crash, since I obsessively vacuum each step of a staircase. Fortunately, I wasn’t vacuuming the stairs at the time.

So, that’s why my ceiling lights are bare bulbs; and you thought it was because I’m a nudist. The bare bulbs may look boring, but I don’t want any light covers falling on my head. There are still a couple of light covers on the ceiling, but that’s because I’ve never changed the long-dead bulb in one of my kitchen lights, and I don’t think the light cover inside my entrance is removable. Whenever I do get around to actually changing that kitchen bulb, that light cover will go into storage with the three other light covers, huddled together, feeling lonely and rejected in a dark closet. And like in my favourite IKEA commercial, “You may feel sorry for these light covers. That is because you’re crazy. They have no feelings.”